I've been in a funk lately. A lot of things have me on edge and very aggravated. It's probably a mid-life crisis of sorts and I'm not considering doing anything drastic but have decided something has to change.
My job is the root of it. I've been doing the same job for a very long time and I'm bored and tired of the office bullshit and career goals I'm supposed to have. My current career goal is to retire. I stay for the pension, the benefits, and the time off. Starting over somewhere new sounds like more work than I'm willing to put forth at this stage of the game. I made all these career choices when I was 18 years old and I'm essentially backed into a corner unless I go back to school to be trained to do something else. Or I can go work at Target.
My interests have changed over the years, as they often do as you age. I'm not longer interested in my job. I'm just not. And I don't see how anything is going to change that.
The Husband told me I looked miserable standing alone at my son's lacrosse game on Friday night. Thanks, Caption Obvious. I am miserable. I had a really long week and a 3 hour total traffic-filled commute that day and I didn't feel like being social. What did you do today? Oh, that's right. You're retired and do nothing all. damn. day. everyday.
This brings us to my other problem: My Husband. He retired from the police force at the ripe old age of 43 last summer. And he's done nothing since, unless you count posting on Facebook and watching Fox News as doing something. His job was stressful of course and his sleeping was all messed up from working nights for so many years. I gave him time, plenty of time to work all that out and I didn't nag him at all. However, his help around the house is sporadic and almost never done unless I leave a note. I know he's a male but he's also 43 years old and we've been married for almost 16 years - I shouldn't have to leave a fucking note. No one leaves me a note to get stuff done.
I have become very resentful of his lack of effort and his lack of concern over our finances. Yes, we have talked about it (but it's been a while since the last conversation) and I'm always told "a job is coming" but it isn't coming fast enough for me. We have one son who is entering HS in the fall, will be driving before we know it, and then college with a second son trailing right behind ... and he's just content to sit on the couch all day and watch TV.
An ugly fight is coming and it will not be pretty.
I was intermittently watching one of my favorite movies last night while I was coloring my hair (because for some reason the amount of gray hair on my head has increased ten fold in the past year - can't imagine why that would be!) and cleaning the 2nd floor at the same time and a line from the movie has stayed with me once again:
"I'd rather do nothing and be happy then do something I don't love"